Dented Pride program launch

Dented Pride

Reuters - Newswire - Newmarket Ontario Canada -

The Tea Brewhaha Party announced its idea for assisting in poverty eradication. The program dubbed, "The Dented Pride" program will have government "partnering' with the private sector by offering to warehouse for distribution any and all dented cans or squished boxed items etc.

Says party spokesperson Tomassino Paezzano of the proposed idea, "Hey currently we toss dese out. What a frickin' waste. Instead, we'll dish it out to the poor through food banks by changing da rules a little. Dis will help thousands to eat"

Told canned items already contain high levels of diabetes causing agents and not healthy food to begin with let alone dented ones he replied,  

"Yea, well I was just gettin to dat. All this talk about aging population and cost. Dis will speed dat all up saving tons of dough. And lets face it, if we have to sacrifice someone, why not dem.  If you eradicate the hungry 'den you eradicate poverty. It's not frickin rocket science."

Tea Brewhaha's Paezzano helps speed up the aging process he says through his dented can program saving $millions.

Stunned standers-by left the room in murmurs.  

TP

Newmarket Launches Rocket site

Reuters - newswire - Newmarket Ont Canada - The Tea BrewHaHa Party denied today it had plans to launch a rocket into space. Based from Newmarket, Ontario, Canada the "rocket" can be seen jutting out from its " secret" location clearly visible from the street.While locals complain the pencil-like and as yet unproven and unsubstantiated launch system could endanger nearby residents, Newmarket Mayor Tony Van Bynen says they are tax payers and are not breaking any coding regulations.

Pressed to weigh in on the "eyesore" located on party property, Tea Brewhaha party leader Tomasino Paezzano denied it was a rocket for a satellite and claimed it was art.

" Dis is a frickin' mastapiece" he purportedly said adding, "We call it, "Smokers Hill".Yea, cuzz if Youze turn da picture it looks like someone smoking. Frickin' ingenious, and has a built in subliminal-type message in dere too about smoking. Combination art/useful objects are da way of da freakin' future." Before adding, "Oh yea, and it also transmits."

  Told this, local resident Bill Wilson was relieved. Said Wilson, 
"Hmmm, now that you mention it it kind of does. As a local, I'm just glad it isn't a potential hazard. By the way, does anyone have an extra smoke?"

"Smoker's Hill" in Newmarket Ontario

Tea Brewhaha party Green Plan

TPE NEWS - Newmarket, Ontario, Canada

Paezzanos car is trashed for the Tea Brewhaha's party policy

Tea Brewhaha party leader Tomassino  Paezzano announced some of his party's green platform today. Included in it was a mandatory scrap your car week, during which everyone would take transit. Dubbed the " trash-car program", the party estimates it will help reduce greenhouse gasses by up to 70% for that week.

When told our transit systems are not able to handle all the extra business, and therefore many or most will be unable to get to, or be late for work, costing likely billions (nationally) in lost production and wages Paezzano reportedly said, " Really? Billions? You serious? I don't frickin think so. Millions maybe, but dats woith it to us. You know, to like, save de environments and stuff".

Party plan to use Clint Eastwood scuttled

Custom made masks from Myers Costumes cancelled

The Tea Brewhaha party has had it's plan to intimidate voters by having election scrutineers wear cardboard masks that resemble Actor Clint Eastwood and then have them repeat out loud to no one in particular "Go ahead, make my day" scuttled. If voters looked at them upon hearing the utterance they were then instructed to whisper, "You feel lucky?"

TB Party to use " We Want You" U.S. Army style party recruitment campaign

Said Paezzano reportedly, I don't see why not? Dees udder paaties is all just jealous dey dint tink of it foist". Adding, 

"We went by da rules with no party colours, we wasn't planning to tawk to anyone directly, and I tought dey allowed burkas things so what's da diff?", in an apparent references to the veto on his use of masks in the polls.

Despite the setback, the party plans to continue in it's quest to get someone elected somewhere...anywhere by adopting another American icon for its campaign.

TPE NEWS

New Party unveils equal rights platform

TPE NEWS  - Newmarket, Ontario, Canada - Tues August 28 2012

  Tea Brewhaha party leader Tomasino Paezzano unveiled his new equal opportunities platform at a press conference yesterday. Held at a location he says symbolized women's representation in the forestry industry, it was pointed out to him that it could also be representative of the number of female members in his own party's upper echelons. Said Paezzano of the apparent discrepancy,

  "Are you frickin serious? My secretary is a woman. My My wife's a woman. My daughter's female. They're my freakin advisers."

  Told his setting also resembled perhaps someone ducking issues or burying their head in the sand, such as he's been accused of in the past, Paezzano replied,

  " How do you get that? I don't see it. You guys are on freakin drugs. Frick you. I want to get back to the real issues of why we're here which is...ah...er...oh yea equal freakin rights for lesbian forest workers.   Adding after an aide whispered into his ear, "I mean women"

  An apparent female member of his entourage shrugged her shoulders and looked away when approached for comment.

TPE News

Tomassino Paezzano in his "eco-hat"and solar panel glasses

Party Leader goes to North Pole

Tea Brewhaha party Federal leader Tomasino Paezzano stopped at the North Pole during his cross country election campaign tour to symbolize his support for Canadian ownership, only to realize very few people actually live there. An announced "pick-up" hockey game attracted 3 non-locals.

When told he'd spent half his travel budget to stop there and would have to stay several weeks before getting out he replied, "Hey, Whattaya gonna do? Get me a brandy and some frickin hot chocolate..I hope they get T.S.N. up here....where the frick are the women?"

Prime Minister Harper, who flew in and out in a private jet the  day before, had no comment.

MP Lois Brown attends marijuana rally

Tea Brewhaha Party leader Tomasino Paezzano joined MP Lois Brown recently at a legalize marijuana rally...the event ended when they ran out of food..said Paezzano of the issue and event, 

"Listen, I don't know what was in those brownies but right now I don't even know my freakin name." 

MP Brown was not available for comment on whether she supported medical marijuana although she acted very paranoid and left immediately following the event.

Pope blesses gay wedding

Tea Brewhaha Party President Tomazino Paezzano flew lesbian rock icon Carol Pope in to help push his new Ontario "bill of gay rights" unveiled by his party Friday at a news conference. Pope almost backed out when told the bill actually included a section making it legal for lesbians to make out in public but not gay men, but reluctantly went along as seen in the picture.

When asked about why the apparent discrepancy Paezzano reportedly responded, "Are you freakin' serious? You even have to ask that question? Every man knows seeing lesbians is hot, but two guys? Fagettabaddit!"

Told the bill would likely fail because of this he repeated more slowly this time - "Fagget - a butt - it!"

Roadkill Bill proposed by Brewhaha Tea Party

Muffy the cat is an actor. No animals were killed for the purposes of this article.

     Calling it "The Roadkill Bill', Tea Brewhaha Party President Tomasino Paezzano promised if elected the Tea Brewhaha Party of Canada would propose a bill that would make it law that all roadkill be collected in a timely manner and whenever possible fed to our hungry. Said Paezzano, 

 
   "Dis is frickin brilliant! We can kill two birds with one stone so to speak, or deers rather, ha, at any rate why waste it when we can feed people? Can't be any worse than the 3 days a month worth of freakin Nourish freakin soup from a food bank we give em now."

Paezzano addresses a sparse recent Quebec gathering on "Kill Bill"

  Asked if his proposed to be proposed bill would include a distinction clause recognizing a distinction between domestic or wild animals Paezzano replied, 

 

"We recognize the right to be animals at this point. We'll break that frickin dish when we get to it. For now I say bon appetito"

Brewhaha Tea Party proposes transit solution

Ontario's Provincial Brewhaha Tea Party President, Danatello Philioni, wears a "flame hat" to represent riders getting burned during the recent York Region transit strike

  In response to a recent 4 months long strike, Tea Brewhaha Party of Canada President Tomasino Paezzano announced today he has the solution to end future transit strikes. Under the Brewhaha proposal, area councilors in geographical locations considered 'regions" would have to trash their vehicles for the duration and become transit drivers in times of strikes - as well as their assistants, secretaries, and all paid hangers on.

   Said Paezzano, "Our proposal der, correctly places da regional council in an official position der of management, which in times of strikes in any sector dey must jump in and work da line as it were... and dis crew is freakin' ballsy" he added, referring to York Region's council who sat idly by as transit users burned a financial fire death whilst council's own anti-homelessness programs excluded them from qualifying.

  Asked if the (council's unelected) chairman would be included in the mix he replied, "Why do we need someone to hold chairs for people", blinked twice, and left the room.